Author’s Note: This bit is a work of satire. Any resemblance to real persons, places, or mermaids is purely coincidental. This includes any instance of similarity to someone who is real but self-identifies as fictitious or vice versa.
Amid a growing homeless crisis in the Seattle area more and more homeless people are self-identifying as “merfolk” so that they can reside in Puget Sound. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of these people apparently lack the common sense to avoid the nets cast by area commercial fishermen. In Puget Sound alone, nearly a dozen so-called merfolk have died in the nets over the last 12 months.
Seattle has no more room for homeless encampments, otherwise known as tent cities. Every green space is filled to capacity. Home owners have for months complained of homeless people camping on their lawns while social justice warriors demand that the homeless be allowed to do so. Seattle’s beleaguered mayor, when pressed about the issue recently responded angrily, saying, “The homeless have to live somewhere. What the hell do you expect? Am I supposed to solve all the city’s problems?”
With self-identity becoming more fluid as time goes by, it was only a matter of time before some people became trans-species rather than merely trans-sexual. In this case, many of those unable to find a home on dry land have resorted to self-identifying as “merfolk” to allow them to live in the waters of the bay area.
But this has had unexpected consequences. Real merfolk have begun to gather in protest. MLM spokesmermaid Ameca Troutley has been quite vocal on the matter.
“We have for centuries allowed you landlubbers to use our waters. You have repaid the courtesy with pollution, taking our food, and clogging the waterways with your boat traffic. And now some of you wish to claim to be like us? You are NOTHING like us. You’re as stupid as a school of sardines and you smell even worse.”
Efforts to remove the trans-merfolk from the bay have met strong opposition from social justice groups who insist that once these people identify as merfolk, they are in fact merfolk (until they decide otherwise). Others, including several groups representing commercial fisheries have protested loudly that they should not bear any liability for the trans-merfolk who get caught in their nets. At a recent press conference, J.T. Hooker of Fisheries United For Justice made the following statement:
“This is complete bullshit. Real merfolk never get caught in our nets. These homeless bums are either so stupid or so drugged-out that they don’t know any better. They should not be our problem.”
Troutley of MLM expressed a similar opinion on the matter:
“We have for centuries avoided your nets, hooks and harpoons. We aren’t a bunch stupid human liberals looking for a free lunch. Perhaps catching them in nets isn’t such a bad idea. And stop calling us ‘cismerfolk.’ Either you’re Mer or you’re not. Wearing those stupid costumes does not make you a mermaid.”
The Governor has predictably taken a non-stance on the matter, stating that Washingtonians need to “exercise patience and tolerance during these trying times.”
Meanwhile, trans-merfolk have been gathering in the bay to protest what they regard as unfair treatment from fishermen and the MLM organization. Toby C. Weed of a recently formed group called “Alt-Mer” has threatened legal action unless trans-merfolk are given status as a protected class under Washington law.
“This isn’t just about being homeless. Many of us have dealt with inner conflict for years because we knew we were merfolk in spirit. We are simply trying to realize our destiny and to transcend the limits of the human physical shape we are trapped within. – Toby C. Weed
But many in the capitol see this as nothing but an attempt to continue living illegally in the bay. In addition, since merfolk are not human then the alt-mer people could very well have to give up not only their status as humans, but their voting rights as well since only humans can vote. Given that roughly 97% of these people are Democrat, the Democrat leadership in the state is hesitant to let this go very far. Much of Washington is reliably red. A significant loss of
retards Democrat voters on the coast could possibly flip the state to the Republicans.
Former President Trump chimed in on his Twitter account, saying,
So what happens next? There are too many variables for anyone to speculate at present. The potential voting rights issue, along with the burgeoning homeless population in northwest Washington is going to make things very interesting in the next election. But one thing is for certain: You must love a good bullshit story to have read all this. Thank you.
Image Credits: The mermaid image at the top was cobbled together from 3 classic images. Credits for those images are below.