Most of us from time to time speculate on what we’d do if we were in a particular situation. Like if we won the lottery, or was elected President or whatever else. But what if you had the ultimate job? What if the Universe was yours to play with?

From an Atheist’s perspective, humanity has been playing God for uncounted centuries. God’s are humanity’s creation and over time we’ve fashioned thousands of them to give authority to our own biases and bigotry. But what about an “Atheist God?” Yeah I know that’s a bit of a contradiction. Perhaps “Dictator of the Universe” is more appropriate but that’s too wordy. I’ll just be God instead.

So the first thing I’d do is write my own holy book. It would contain accurate descriptions of how nature works. No stars falling from the sky or crystal domes over the Earth. I’d simplify it as much as possible so primitive people could comprehend it. And I’d create a universal language that all people could understand. And I would tell people to go forth and question all things, to learn and to grow.

My book would contain commandments against bigotry, slavery, misogyny and war. It would forbid persecution of any group of people simply because they’re “different.” There would be laws against deceiving others for personal gain, and violence of any sort would be forbidden.

I would not be obsessed with sex. As long as it’s consensual, go get it. Why should I care? Why should you?

If I’m the guy who created life, then I’ll decide what’s healthy and what isn’t. Stuff like biscuits and gravy, red meat, bourbon, bacon and buttermilk pie shall all be healthy foods. The better it tastes, the healthier it would be.

And disease? Why would any god create a bunch of cooties that make us sick? That cause misery and death? Nope. No germs or viruses. No cancer. Or mosquitos. Or fruit flies.

No fossil fuels or dangerous emissions. I’d create some weird element that emits harmless but powerful radiation (or something) that can be harnessed for all manner of power. Not sure how that’d work. Maybe I’d contract that part out to Bill Nye.

And don’t worship me. Don’t pray to me. I just gave you a world you can live in safely and comfortably. You are my ant farm. Maybe I’ll look in on you every now and again. But if you turn out to be too much trouble… poof.